Lunar-matic Insomnia

For some reason I woke up at 4am, after having gone to sleep late already, at 1.

Lying awake, waiting for sleep that won’t return to your tired limbs, it’s hard to stop thinking – especially about how knackered you’ll be in a couple of hours, when the day sets off for real. I’m sure you’ve been there. After a while of tossing and turning, I decided to make some tea and let my husband sleep before I grump him out by waking him. Now I can use this time to add a new blog post, which is about time!

Last thursday was my last day at work. I am officially out of work – politically correct: in between jobs. I knew this for some time already, and I’m in the luxurious position to have a partner with a steady job. I’m not saying we won’t need any of my income, but I feel positive about the future: I know now what caused me to feel so bad about myself before. I found good help now and I am full of ideas – I always was, but now I hope to be able to enjoy thinking about them, and pick the ones that are realistic and good for me.

The final week at work was quite busy and the weeks leading up to it felt weird, like counting down. One moment I couldn’t wait to be done and drop the tedious parts of my job, then again I felt I wasn’t ready to just step out. In the end, it was good to hand in my laptop and leave the building. There is so much I want to do now, like cleaning, fixing up the house a bit, sorting out heaps of papers from past and present… and of course meeting friends I’ve been neglecting for too long and making things.

About the past: now that I know more about the way my brain is set up, I might re-read old diaries, type some of it out and then get rid of the paper versions. They always depress me, because of all the teenage and early adulthood drama, but in the light of ADD, I might learn from it and also, it feels less vain to occupy myself with that stuff now. After all, I should grow awareness of “being my own best friend” (Ah! There is a website with that name and it looks half finished & shady, haha!). I’m glad to have a bit more time on my hands to see what’s next and have more influence on it.

What will always be strange to me is how situations differ and fluctuate, and I don’t even mean on world scale – I’ll just skip that part or I’ll get overwhelmed. In moments of stress, which are usually work- or child-related, things can seem quite tough. But compared to some of my friends’ current life issues, I am so well off where I am! I can feel my energy increasing to be able help them out in some way, which feels so good, I’ve missed that feeling. It’s the feeling of loving someone and wanting them to be or feel better, without agenda, no Samaritan-syndroms. Just because it feels right.

Soon I will start as a volunteer, visiting a parent with a young child who has asked for Someone to just come over and listen once a week. I went to a training for this, meeting some nice new people, and I’m really looking forward to it.

A bit of a mish-mash this post – I hope you enjoyed reading it anyway. I’ll be back later today with an update on the jeans-project I hope to finish soon.

Have a wonderful day !

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